| Author | Message |
Darian Brown 
Posts: 712
Since: 2/5/2008
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
|  6/13/2008 9:45:17 AM 
The bonds mature.
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/13/2008 9:47:09 AM
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/13/2008 11:35:18 PM
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/13/2008 11:36:40 PM
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/13/2008 11:40:03 PM
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Shelly
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/14/2008 9:58:30 PM
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/14/2008 9:59:19 PM
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee crude oil."
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/16/2008 4:55:50 PM
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it.
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/17/2008 8:23:07 AM
Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. When Hillary Clinton heard about this she said to Bill, "Why can't you do something like that?"
So today Bill asked Barack Obama's wife out on a date.
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/17/2008 8:26:36 AM
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away".
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
Last Edited 6/17/2008
8:27:16 AM
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/18/2008 11:14:50 AM
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/18/2008 11:15:29 AM
Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."
Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.
Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"
Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."
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Roger Gerber
Posts: 327
Since: 3/17/2008
| 6/20/2008 7:46:18 PM
THE PROBLEM WITH TEETH
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
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Roger Gerber
Posts: 327
Since: 3/17/2008
| 6/20/2008 8:00:21 PM
THINGS TO PONDER
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/23/2008 8:56:38 PM
The Irishman's Wish
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
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Selva Lee Tucker
Posts: 634
Since: 5/25/2008
| 6/23/2008 8:58:29 PM
George would like a good joke today,
slt
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/23/2008 9:27:58 PM
A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read "Turn Around. The End Is Near."
The motorist didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"
A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash.
The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should've just written, 'Bridge Out.' "
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/24/2008 7:21:05 AM
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Ray Darrah
Posts: 1411
Since: 2/18/2008
| 6/24/2008 7:22:35 AM
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
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